Our Mineral Afflictions:

When I consider the hardships we sometimes endure for the sake of a decent field trip, and yet how desperately we yearn for that trip, this hobby begins to look like a pathological obsession. Bad weather, worse terrain, long hours traveling, bugs, injuries, no trespassing signs, and heavy loads would make a normal person hesitate to pursue this pastime. To many of us, however, these impediments are trivial annoyances compared to the exciting prospect of that great mineral find. For those who consider our preoccupation to be a curious disorder, I will describe some of the forms taken by our mineral afflictions:

Orthopedic Injuries:


Blunt trauma: from missing the chisel with the 3 pound hammer.

Amputation: from missing the chisel with the 4 pound hammer.

Acute low back strain: suddenly develops before dividing specimens with your collecting partner to carry back to the car.

Rubber-neck strain: common when your collecting partner is having a great day.

Lock jaw: Never develops in collecting partner who has to tell you about his great day.

Shoulder separation: self-inflicted injury when arm isn't long enough to reach to back of mineral pocket.

Cold shoulder: often encountered when asking other collectors to share locality secrets.

Fractured toe: from kicking boulders that will not split after beating on them all day.

Fractured skull: from intentionally banging head on quarry wall when another collector discovers the pocket you just walked by.

Tennis elbow: serves you right; you should have been collecting minerals anyway.


Cardiologic Disorders:


Palpitations: experienced on arrival at collecting locality.

Murmur: subtle but ominous crowd noise, following arrival of too many collectors at a locality.

Angina: chest pressure experienced under enormous slab of rock that has fallen onto you.

Cardiac arrest: when beautiful specimen shatters during trimming.


Skin Disorders:


"Sandruff": gritty scalp condition resulting from carrying specimens in hat earlier in the day.

Sunburn: application of sunblock forgotten, since it's usually dark during early AM field trip departure.

Green discoloration: happens to you when your collecting partner has great day.

Abrasions, lacerations, blisters: inevitable "badges of honor" from good trip.


Gastrointestinal Disorders:


Ulcer: secondary to nutritious "meals" consumed on field trips.

The "dumps": usually strikes just as you settle down to collect at a remote locality.

Heartburn: develops as other collectors edge closer to your good spot.

The "gas pocket": one reason why your collecting partner may move off to a separate part of the quarry.

The "blast": see "gas pocket" above.


Neurologic and Psychiatric Disorders:


Tremor: trembling hand that causes you to drop your best specimen of a delicate mineral.

Seizure: when Customs official confiscates Mount Saint Hillaire specimens on your way back into U.S.

Stroke: good excuse for missing work so you can go out collecting.

Amnesia: suddenly develops when asked where you found those nice babingtonites.

Delirium: acute confusional state with disorientation and hallucinations, when pressed for details about those babingtonites.

Coma: occurs while driving home after long day of collecting.

Depression: begins after the first big snow, lasts until the final thaw.

Rockhounditis: complex disorder dominated by all of the above, punctuated by periods of lucid satisfaction.


Paul Gilmore

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