Rhodocrosite-Envy: Psychic Crisis In the Mineralkulture

by Dr. Sigmund Fraud
University of Vienna Sausage
Hoboken, NJ


A diverse assemblage of exotic psychoses have been observed in the mineralkulture worldwide (generically lumped together as "petropsychosis" by Bumtwizzler in his landmark 1932 study, but subsequently differentiated as "franklinlagnia", "fluorescophilia", "tsumebmania" and "incipient tourmaline-dust psychosis" by Graber and Skweez, 1975).

However, in recent years, greater attention has been placed on the more fundamental (and more common) neuroses of the mineralkulture. Key to the understanding of both the neuroses and psychoses is the newly-identified "rhodocrosite-envy", a unique manifestation of profound and deep-seated feelings of inadequacy over the size of the patient's rhodocrosite.

The etiology of rhodocrosite-envy demonstrates in a variety of complex forms. These range from rhodocrosite-denial (in which the patient denies his need to even possess a rhodocrosite) to a paraphilic rhodocrosite-fixation, in which the patient has an overpowering urge to see and fondle the rhodocrosites of other collectors. However, a few symptoms may be considered diagnostic:
1) the patients turns pale and breaks out in a cold sweat when shown a rhodocrosite larger than his own; and
2) the patient demonstrates increasingly erratic and bizarre behavior patterns in an effort to acquire a larger rhodocrosite.

Verbal manifestations of rhodocrosite-envy include such comments, often made in casual conversation, as "I wish I had a nicer [read "larger"] rhodocrosite" and "Look at his rhodocrosite... its twice the size of mine".

Case Study

A thirty two year old male, employed as a certified pubic accountant, developed an acute case of rhodocrosite-envy after being exposed to the extremely large rhodocrosites of several alpha-males in the US mineralkulture. While clinically average (his rhodocrosite was about four inches long) he became increasingly convinced that his rhodocrosite was undersized.

This resulted in the patient's increased concern over the possibility of ever having "normal" mineral displays, inducing psychic (non-organic) impotence. The patient, in a final act of desperation, resorted to purchasing a very large rhodocrosite for $192,000 from a regional "rockphlogger".

Some patients have been known to resort to artificial means to "enhance" their rhodocrosite, making it appear larger than it actually is. Premier amounst these is "Dr Felix H. Cornplaster's Celebrated Rhodocrosite Extender", which consists merely of several squarish bits of translucent pink plastic and a small tube of crazy-glue.

Clinical experiments have shown repeatedly that chemical treatment modalities are nonfunctional with respect to rhodocrosite envy. Similarly, negative reinforcement therapy (in the case of the clinical trials, a 450-volt electric shock applied to the amalgam fillings in the patient's molars) proved only partly successful; the patient began to simply deny the existence of the IMA and became increasingly convinced that he was Charles Palache’s second cousin twice removed by the Harvard university police.

The greatest success has come from group therapy, which offers the patients through repeated positive peer-group reinforcement the confidence necessary to live a rich and fruitful life with a small or otherwise obviously inadequate rhodocrosite.

Bibliography:

Bumtwizzler, K
Journal of Unproductive Research
Vol 12 No 42 (1932)

Grabber, A., and Skweez, F
"Franklin, New Jersey: Hothouse of Exotic Psychoses"
The Lithium Guzzler's Gazette
Vol 495 No. 12 (1975)

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