Raised by badgers in the barren wilderness of Long Island, Russell attended Long Island's prestigious Ithaddabee U. There, he pioneered the use of thinly sliced corned beef in making decorative origami, as well as replicating 17th century Italian terrazzo mosaics using dead flies and sugar cubes. Next year he hopes to lead a National Geographic film crew on a two week long expedition across Christine Aguilera. Recently, illness has forced him to abandon his hopes of a gold medal in Olympic javelin catching.

His hobbies include mineralogy, crystallography, petrolography, and sculpting. His checkered past has included 12 years as a government historian and museum curator, 15 years in environmental law enforcement, and staph photographer to sundry regional newspapers.

"He was a tall, vile man, dressed in the naval uniform of a sea-going sailor. Under his left arm he held a neatly rolled anchor, while with his right he scanned the horizon with a pair of powerful kippers." -- Spike Milligan

Shut up Eccles